someone
do you ever feel like you just can’t find your way? that you can’t find the place where you belong? you cant even find yourself? sometimes is easy to feel like you are the only one in the world who is struggling, frustrated, unsatisfied or barely hanging on.. but that feeling is a lie. if you just hold on, if you just find the courage to face it all for another day someone or something will find you.. and make it all ok. the truth is that we all need a little help sometimes, someone to remind us that it will not always be this way..
that someone is out there..
and that someone will find you..
after midnight.
a few times I’ve been here before, I’m quite aware of it. it’s a familiar situation, night after night I turn off the lights and don’t fall asleep right away, in fact I think I might developed a chronic inability to fall asleep. here I am, staring at the nothingness, laying, listening the silence, taking the time to appreciate the darkness. it’s amazing how we can still see in nearly total darkness. my eyelashes are divorced, never wanting to be next to each other no matter what. the night is my companion and witness to some of my self-realizations and basically me trying to find a piece of mind. I take a look around and recognize that in here I feel safe, it’s almost agoraphobic. hidden from the world..
some thoughts wonder my head, a few crippling memories and thoughts that are becoming more irritating and frustrating than they should.. they won’t get the best of me, I’ve already realized that sometimes the key to figuring out the rest of my life is to just let it be. one way or the other, sooner or later I’ll get there. I’ll carry on, what’s done is done. I don’t like to think much about the future, they say the road is long and that life is short. the best I’ve known is yet to come. sometimes that what you least expected is what you really wanted.
the first light of day comes to slowly and steadily take my companion away, the sun comes up and begins to shine as I watch the darkness gradually fade away. light comes thru my window hitting objects and filling in every corner. the sun shines. I don’t.
another day is born..
one more chance is given..
hopefully this time I won’t be a coconut..
polymorphic opinions
quite often (dare i say all the time?) things are never what they seem. a feeling, a state of mind, anything! and it can be around for awhile or for a long undetermined period of time, but nothing is forever, nothing lasts forever. that is an indisputable truth. i’m not really sure where i’m going with this, hopefully this makes some sense when i’m done. people try to express themselves differently. some people write, some people paint or sculpt, some do nothing at all, dunno.. guess i’m “experimenting” this “writing” stuff and i think i’m starting to like it. (i’ve never had a diary but this it kinda feels like one, don’t know if that is a good or bad thing) …
about my previous post i guess that was just the way i felt at the moment, i’m not trying to explain myself nor saying that everything is fine, cause nothing never is. but that’s probably because life doesn’t care about what you want/need/desire/whatever. you just gotta roll with it. we live on a “existential carousel” it’ll come back again. besides what’s the point in complaining and whining about it? i rather take it day by day and do something about it. you might not think the same way i do, you can go ahead and make your own opinions about what i write or feel or even about me.. ask me if i care.. ok, that came out a little (only a little) harsh.
case and point?
in the middle of the night with a massive headache that no matter how many pills i take this fuckin ache doesn’t wants to leave my head, im not thinking straight and i wonder.. i guess im wondering about her, or am i? i tell myself that she is what im waiting for and once i have her everything will be alright, the truth is that there is something else.. i find myself not caring about all the stuff that supposedly are important in my life. i dont feel at all how i should. fuck this bleeding heart of mine.
“..I claim I’m not excited with my life anymore. So I blame this town, this job, these friends, the truth is it’s myself. And I’m trying to understand myself and pinpoint who I am. When I finally get it figured out, I’ve changed the whole damn plan” … “Talking shit about a pretty sunset, blanketing opinions that I’ll probably regret soon. Changed my mind so much I can’t even trust it. My mind changed me so much I can’t even trust myself” - Talking Shit About a Pretty Sunset by Modest Mouse.
it feels like i only use this blog to complain. is not like anyone reads it anyway.. ohh well i just wanna place my thoughts somewhere cause i’ve tried notepad and my thoughts always end up in the recycle bin.
random thoughts
how to begin? that always troubles me. many times i feel like writing, i have all these random thoughts in my head and i say to myself that im gonna add whatever i wanted to write to the blog i created few months back and never take the time to update it. and the weird thing is that most of the time my inability to start writing makes me not wanna write at all.. anyway.. its half pass two in the a.m. and i got kinda good news today, the kinda news that even though they have just a slight possibility of happening they cheer u up & makes ur day (in my case my dawn). and they come with great timing too, cause after so long i was really starting to lose all hope and really starting to doubt myself if what i’ve planned was ever going to happen. and that is all i have to say about that, hope everything works out for the best..
moving on to another random thought: a few days back i got Brandon Boyd’s (lead singer from one of the greatest band ever) second book, “From the Murks of the Sultry Abyss” and i think it’s quite an interesting book, it has lots of cool drawings and pictures. makes me wish i could draw better, hoho. i like the fact that some of the content of the book is so random, and so straight forward. im no book critic and i don’t intend to criticize, with that said some of the stuff i read made me realize that there are many, many people out there writing about random thoughts.. guess i’ll be joining them.. as a matter of fact after im done writing this im gonna change this blog name to “hapocha’s random thoughts”. From the Murks of the Sultry Abyss, huh? i know from the book that it’s a part of a quote from C.G. Jung. being my main language spanish and those not being very common (for me at least) english words i had to look what “murks” and “sultry” meant, just the title has a meaning but to read the whole quote makes a lot more sense.
im attending a rock concert this weekend, a band reunion, they are getting together after 10 years. there’s excitement everywhere u go. they gave a concert here almost 11 years ago, some people even called it the woodstock of that time. i can’t wait! people are coming from other countries. its gonna be an unforgettable experience.
so those are some of the random thoughts wondering around my head..
Another sleepless night.. again!
Almost every night I fall sleep listening to music, but tonight after listening to music for over a couple of hours I still cant sleep. In my mind its her and so many questions about the way my life is going, a friend of mine used to say that I had existential problems, he was probably right. I feel so tired but I cant sleep. I don’t wanna feel anything but I do. And I keep asking myself what it all comes down to? I guess everything is not quite alright.
